Directed by Chris "I'm a Hack" Weitz
Starring the Twilight Trinity and some hot shirtless dudes
SYNOPSIS: If you don't know what Twilight is can you tell me what far away tropical island you live at so I can escape there? But seriously, the first one was about some vampires. The second is about some werewolves. Some teen shirtless werewolves.
THE GOOD: Once again the soundtrack delivers. I'm a big fan of Carter Burwell and his soundtrack for Twilight was a nice mix of instrumental with some great indie music thrown in. Amazingly for New Moon they got Alexandre Desplat to do the soundtrack! This amazes me because he has an amazing roster of films. This year alone he's done the soundtracks for The Fantastic Mr. Fox and Coco Avant Chanel. How do they do this?? And then they get bands like Death Cab for Cutie, Muse, Bon Ivor, Thom Yorke, and Ok Go to contribute tracks. And not just tracks, but original tracks. That they wrote. Just for this movie. Honestly, it's mind-boggling.
Also worthy of note is a "montage" with some great transitions and camera work. I probably liked it mostly because of the song choice for the scene.
THE BAD: Oh Lord, where to start? The writing, the acting, the cinematography? It's all just sub-par. Well let's dive right in.
The writing: Everyone knows, at least everyone with a brain knows, that Stephanie Meyer writes like a 12-year-old. Her oddly compelling, must-read staying up for days at a time deal with the devil writing style has snared me in its horrible, obsessive claws. Yes I will admit it on this blog: I am officially obsessed. Anyway, if I were the screenwriter I would try and tone down the obvious, hit-you-over-the-head melodrama and cheesy dialogue. Maybe it's just me, but I would actually try and make a good movie, possibly one that subverts the books themselves cause I'm ironic like that. Instead, Melissa Rosenberg chose to emulate, and even at times make worse, Meyer's original writing. This involves a series of montages that don't tell any story, bad dialogue, and poor scene choices and transitions.
This leads into the acting: Again as a director I would try and actually bring out the latent acting talents of my cast possibly adding more nuanced layers to two-dimensional and unrealistic characters. Chris Weitz, in his infinite wisdom, chose not to go that route. Instead he chose to increase the horrible dialogue by ramping up the awkwardness of each character action, instructing his actors to talk three inches from one anothers' faces, and encouraging them to talk in awkward, stilted phrases. Also have you heard of lavalier mics, Chris? They're these little mics you can hide on your actors so I can actually hear the dialogue over the absurdly loud rain you've got going in some of your scenes, for no reason I can fathom. I don't know maybe the dialogue's important to the film, but what do I know Chris? I'm an ignorant film student and you're a "big-time" director. Besides the dialogue is horrible anyway. Maybe you could just do a cut where all the dialogue is covered by inappropriate rain sounds, the like of which I have never heard in real life. (Whoa...did that get a little bitter there? Sorry dudes, but its just...so easy to fix...even in post...sound mixing...gaaaaah...)
Finally the cinematography: Trick photography is cool, I'm all for 360 degree rotations, upside down transitions, impositions, and dissolves, but preferably not in the same movie. Within five minutes of each other. Don't rely on trick photography to cover up your inability to competently direct a movie. I am not impressed that you can turn a camera around a chair. Hey have you heard of a guy named Joe Wright? You should he's actually a good director. He did this little thing in a movie called Pride & Prejudice where he uses a swing and 360 degree pan to illustrate the seasons passing. It doesn't have cuts and it's an extremely beautiful shot. Oh heyyyy there's a shot in New Moon exactly like that, except I get to look at the back of a chair for about 30 seconds. Wow, stealing a better directors technique, normally I would applaud you. It's a cool transition, but hey if you're going to steal do it right. And don't half-ass your way into a horrible scene transition that is stupid and I hate it. I hate it, ok? I hate it and I hate you Weitz! That's right! You don't get a first name anymore. You ruined The Golden Compass and now you've...ruined...well that's not right, but you've kind of ruined this movie. Really only for me. Silly me, I was actually expecting something. Anything. Cause it was going to be bad anyway. Yo Summit Entertainment, if I email you a script for Breaking Dawn will you read it? Just kidding I have better things to do with my time than write a ground-breaking script for a mediocre, best-selling, fan fiction turned into a novel.
whoa long post, dudes-hope I didn't scare you off.
THE VERDICT: Just don't. Don't go see it. Even ironically, hipsters. I mean I totally saw it unironically, but it was a disappointment even for my low expectations. There's so much potential. I know those people can act-somewhere there's a good movie in there I just know it. You've got to believe. David Slade...you're up!
I give it 1/2 out of 5. That's right 1/2...I'd give it a 0 if it weren't for the soundtrack.*
sidenote: I refuse to call it a saga...a saga is something epic and not about sparkly vampires...oh I could go on and on and on...I told you I'm obsessed, but I'll spare the reader from my ramblings.
